The Downside of (Alleged) Cultural Literacy

The purpose of being an English major, I have recently discovered, is to make me "culturally literate." The novels, short stories and poems that have been selected to assist in this process are ones that have been deemed the greatest. They will change the lives of those who read them and make them more empathetic to the human condition.

If anything, since being forced to endure these "literary greats," I have become less empathetic to the human condition. Most of the authors whose works I have been reading have killed themselves, created characters who have killed themselves, or are clearly quite tempted to kill themselves.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not opposed to making my boyfriend read me Sylvia Plath poems aloud while I fall asleep. The summer before my senior year of high school, I read Flowers for Algernon for fun. And I love me some inky-cloaked Hamlet every so often. But would it be such a crime to assign literature that isn't meant to torment and depress the reader in order to get a message across? Almost every story I've read in my Bible-like Norton Anthology for American Lit this semester involves some old dude who is depressed because he's on the brink of death and he's filled with regret, blah blah blah. It's not surprise that I would rather hang out with Becky Bloomwood than one of those schmucks.

I propose that in addition to the soul-killing literature that is shoved down our throats faster than we can swallow, we should be reading some Chuck Klosterman essays that provoke thinking about life in a way that is funny and relevant without being sad and pseudo-meaningful. Or we can read a novel that addresses tough questions but gives at least a hint of hope at the end, such as the ending to The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

"So, if this does end up being my last letter, please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough.
And I will believe the same about you."

Doesn't that sound a little less depressing than sitting through an hour and five minutes listening to people discuss the meaninglessness of life as it relates to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead?

It is. There can still be educational value in optimism, and that's coming from a self-proclaimed pessimist. So until the literature proves to be less suicide-inducing, I will spend my class time immersing myself in happier thoughts i.e. by scanning the classroom and deciding what I would do if I were Stacy London and my classmates were actually contestants on What Not To Wear.

Now that gives me hope.

Why Sarcasm is Essential

Amanda and I are back and just as obnoxious as usual. This time, we would like to bare our souls, if we even have any at all. We would like to explain to the universe (or the two people who read this. Hi, to both of our moms!) why we use sarcasm every day of our lives.

Amanda says, "Mainly, it was in my DNA. My dad instilled it in me at a young age."

I could say the same thing, as my mother also has a dry sense of humor.

But we can't blame everything on genes. There must be other underlying reasons that explain why we rely so much on sarcasm in every conversation we are involved in. But what are they?

Sarcasm allows us to express, in a hilarious way, what others are thinking but are often too afraid to say out loud. These people are weak, cowardly and unimaginative. We are the opposite of all of those things. We find that it's refreshing when people joke about their real feelings instead of, as Amanda says, "getting mushy gushy and spilling their guts."

Some may say that this is our way of avoiding our feelings, and they would be absolutely correct. And to those people, we say go to hell.

By living our lives this way, we are constantly keeping people on the edge of their seats with our wit, charm and charisma. At times people may be intimidated by such enviable traits. And to those people, we say go to hell.

There are many fabulously sarcastic role models out there to inspire us. One of our favorites is the always witty Chandler Bing, who so wisely said, "I'm not so good with the advice... can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" We choose to live our lives by this exact quote. We may not be the best advisers, but you can always rely on us to make light of the situation.

Another one of our heroes is Sue Sylvester, Queen of Hard Hearts. She once said, "This year I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. I wasn't usin' 'em." We are looking into having similar surgeries performed on our increasingly useless tear ducts.

In conclusion, yes, we do use sarcasm as a defense mechanism and yes, it does put make others very uncomfortable, but us? We thrive on the discomfort of others. So, again, go to hell.

Love ya like a sister!
And that's the way Panda sees it.
(Panda is our celebrity couple name. Haterz.)