Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Art of Being Lame

There are people out there who go out of their way every day to appear cool. They, not unlike the honey badger, don't give a shit. They don't text other people back, they use words like "chill," and they generally go out of their way (without looking like they're going out of their way) to look like they don't care about absolutely anything.

I'm pretty sure I do the opposite.

I, not unlike nerd king Cory Matthews, try to make everyone happy, I use the word "chill" when I'm quoting cool people and I go out of my way to care about absolutely everything, to an unhealthy extent. I realize whining about being such a caring person sounds like fake humility, but it is positively shocking how many people value their own images over everything else. Seriously, I think there's an epidemic among my friends. They must be saved!

Now don't get me wrong. I like these people. I'm even in a publicly-known relationship with one of them. I just don't understand the point of being cool when being lame is so much more fun. Why? Well, if you ever do anything awkward or embarrassing (i.e. everything I've ever done in my entire life), you have an excuse: YOU'RE A LAME-O. There's no need to worry about salvaging any reputation because that IS your reputation. The "others" expect nothing less.

How does one even go about being lame? I have some suggestions that have been fully tested to ensure maximum lameness:

1) Make jokes nobody understands.

This is my specialty. What's great about making jokes that nobody understands is that when nobody laughs, you can justify it by claiming that the joke was "way over his/her head" because obviously it was HILARIOUS. When I took dance in high school, I was under the impression that this girl thought I was hysterical, but I was later told that she didn't understand a single thing I had ever said to her. Lesson learned? Save the jokes for the AP kids, ya numbskull. Another thing people don't always understand? Sarcasm. It's the refuge for losers, and it's a great way to make other people think you're lame but still give yourself a false sense of superiority.

2) Be really bad at "networking."

I put "networking" in quotations because that's how much I hate the word. Apparently when you aspire to be a screenwriter, you have to spend a lot of time mingling with Hollywood People. Despite the fact that I'm a snobby leftist vegetarian, I don't do well with these people. I recently went to an improv show alone because I'm an indefreakinpendent woman (also, my boyfriend was working that night), had to switch seats twice because I was all by myself, and had no idea how to say anything to anyone that didn't make me sound like a total nerdasaurus. So, abominable social skills = essential in the quest to become lame.

3) Dress like you don't smoke pot. (Also, don't smoke pot.)

On two separate occasions, I have been told that I don't "look like" I use recreational drugs. Both of these people said this in a weirdly condescending manner, but there really is no higher compliment. Yes, I did indeed look in the mirror before I left my hut today, thank you. What does one wear to dress like a lame-o? Lots of cardigans, dresses, Peter Pan collars and animal sweaters. Just think: What would a five-year-old wear? Or: What would Rachel Berry wear? The answer is not a boring flannel or a tank top and shorts. IT'S JUST NOT.

Now here are some things you should not do in order to be lame and maintain your cool image:

Get embarrassed really easily, don't carry around stuffed animals, get invited to parties. Also, ensure your image remains untarnished by references to anyone uncool because members of the Cool Police are watching you.

But they're not! They don't even exist! I would be in jail for life by now! It's going to be okay!