Sunday, June 26, 2011

An Ode to Coffee

Don't worry. I'm not really going to write an ode. I did receive a 'B+' in Poetry, after all. I'm here to defend coffee against those people. You know whom I'm talking about. The haterz (yes, with a 'z') who insist, "Coffee stains your teeth," "Coffee stunts your growth," "Coffee makes you anxious," blah blah blah. Sometimes these Debbie Downers come in the form of a parent, a friend, or an outrageously pretentious boyfriend. But I certainly believe that the benefits of the most wonderful thing in existence outweigh the negative effects.

The magical substance known as coffee prevents all kinds of diseases AND improves short-term memory and reaction time. Long-term AND short-term benefits? What poison! According to this CNN article, coffee is also the beverage of choice for people of higher incomes. Why? Because coffee helps them get stuff done!

Okay, that may be my own bias showing, but speaking from my own experience, I would be way less productive as a human being if it weren't for coffee. I got started on these lovely canned iced coffees to help me write about 1984 my senior year of high school, and I never looked back. Now I don't even take credit for any work I complete. I didn't write my final paper for Shakespeare; that giant-sized vanilla iced coffee from It's a Grind did.

A waste of money, you say? I consider my coffee habit an investment. One day, I hope to be on the writing staff of a totally awesome TV series. To accomplish this, I need to write a crapload of spec scripts that I have to be awake in order to write. That's where Coffee comes in. (My mother is reading this and shaking her head.) I may be losing money (and sleep) now, but the amount of work I produce while "under the influence" makes it a worthy bargain.

Coffee may cause anxiety, but when you have a paper due the next day, perhaps a little anxiety is needed to get it done. There's a reason people procrastinate: they need the pressure as a motivation! As long as the anxiety is being directed towards a good cause, such as completing homework or exercising more efficiently, I say bring it on.

Some haterz claim that coffee sucks because it's addictive. Sure, they may cause withdrawal headaches and one can become dependent on its magical powers, but there are a lot worse addictive habits. I'd rather be a fast-talking caffeine addict than a grown-up Stephanie Tanner. A caffeine addiction is kid stuff in comparison!

So fellow coffee enthusiasts, feel better knowing that I, Random Girl Who Figured Out How to Make a Blog, approve of your lifestyle. (What a relief, right?) So what are you waiting for? There's an overpriced coffee beverage out there with your name on it. Really! Your name is actually ON it.
Too-late disclaimer: This post was written under the influence of coffee.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Appealing to a New Demographic

I am not a style blogger. I don't even know what a blog is. However, betwixt my obnoxious rants, I would like to include some visual elements to make this "blog" more aesthetically pleasing to the hipster assholes who "stumble upon" it. That means pictures of me, looking all cool and whimsical and fancy and whatever.

The first post in the series, which I'll title I Make My Boyfriend Take Pictures of Me in a Scenic Environment, features photos of my recent excursion at a local nameless park near my school.


I've worn my beloved grey cardigan for four days without washing it. I probably smell like wet panda bears.

They're Ray Bans. They're teal. #stuffwhitepeoplelike


That's my body. Pink shorts. Gloomy day. Probably cheered a lot of folks up wearin' these babies.


How very '80s of me. How hip am I?


"See, duckies are good, 'cause not only do they give you that non-threatening sense of security, but you can feed 'em crackers and you can ride 'em."


All of my clothing and accessories were retrieved from a dumpster.


Check out those dogs! They're swimming! Splish splash!


Gossip Girl

Monday, June 6, 2011

Girls Just Wanna...Settle Down? (WTF!)

Who knew that (quasi-)profound thinking could arise out of a viewing of Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion? (I did, actually. This may explain why I am not well-liked among my English professors…)

Romy and Michele should be required viewing for anyone who is witnessing their former high school classmates marry off and procreate and wonders why the hell they’re throwing away their lives so quickly. For reaffirmation of the fact that these people are nuts, watch this film.

For any (totally uninformed) people out there who are not familiar with the plot, the film follows two fun-loving, fashionable 28-year-olds who escaped Arizona after high school to live in Los Angeles. Despite the fact that Romy is a cashier at a car dealership and Michele is unemployed, they are perfectly happy living the carefree single life. That is until they run into (the spectacular) Heather Mooney, a former classmate and discover that their high school reunion is two weeks away. Feeling insecure about their lack of impressive jobs or significant others, Michele tries to find a job while Romy searches for potential boyfriends. They both fail in these endeavors and eventually turn on each other. When they get to the reunion and find that the ladies of their school’s A-group are all married, pregnant and miserable, they realize that their lives were not so bad after all.

What does all of this have to do with anything that is culturally relevant at the moment? My Facebook feed, mostly inhibited by the class of 2008, is currently vomiting up wedding plan discussions, engagement announcements and creepy photos of couples in trees, documenting a disturbing trend of college-aged, barely-old-enough-to-drink adults getting hitched before they even have legitimate jobs. And it gets worse. Sometimes they even reproduce. CHILDREN. Maybe it’s because I’m sitting here watching Spongebob Squarepants and drinking apple juice, but I cannot fathom how anyone would want to be responsible for raising (“like we’re chickens or something” /lizziemcguirequote) children at this point in our lives.

If one can learn anything from ‘90s Lisa Kudrow flicks, it’s the importance of realizing that impressing people is useless because all that matters is that you’re having fun and enjoying life, so there is nothing wrong with living in LA with your best friend in your twenties and working on finding your niche rather than settling down with a not-very-interesting guy and never leaving a town full of big trucks and small minds.

This future?

Or this?

You know how I roll.

Of course, to each his (or her) own. As Romy asserts, you don't have to give a flying fuck what I think, because as demonstrated in the following clip, Romy and Michele certainly don't.