Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Five Goals for Fall 2010: How We Truly Feel

My roommate Amanda and I are back and better than ever with our thoughts, but this time in written form because we don't look so hot right now. We are presenting a list of goals we would like to accomplish during our fall semester that begins tomorrow. We are confident that our combined perfection will propel us to inevitable success.

1) Survive.

"We need to survive because Aretha says we do," Amanda says. We're both taking 18 credits, we're both idiots and yet for some reason we both have two days of school per week where we have no classes. On those days, Amanda will be taking six naps (on average) instead of her usual three or four. I will be sitting in a dark room turning in internship applications.

2) Mentor our emotional roommate.

Everyone has to have a crying roommate. We handle ours by soaking leather belts in a tub and slapping them against her bare bottom. "It's supposed to be soothing," Amanda says. We also may offer her brutally honest advice that she will not take. At least we try. Emotional roommate's response? "I never thought I'd be the emotional one. You guys like to demean my artichokes."

3) Watch as much TV as possible.

While some college kids may, like, associate with their peers, we prefer to associate with an Insignia 32-inch television (and DVDs from the '90s.) We will be watching Glee, Gossip Girl, The Office (before it starts sucking without Carell) and 30 Rock. Suck it, Donatella Versace. (We're watching Rachel Zoe right now.)

4) Try to get people to accept our humor in our improv class.

We obviously think we're funny, but the world may not agree. We know this is true because we've been told this by the Taco Bell chihuahua. Also, humans. ("As far as we know they were human," Amanda says.) We are going to win their affection, admiration and constant applause/laughter by "pulling out the big guns and telling 'yo momma' jokes," according to Amanda. I say if they don't think we're funny when we are being ourselves, they can go watch Two and a Half Men and jump off a one-story building (because we're not that cruel).

5) Avoid hoes.

This includes people who we just don't like for reasons we cannot explain, as well as girls who wear disgustingly short skirts/dresses because as Amanda said two years ago, "Just because the sun is out, doesn't mean her vag should be, too."

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Curse of the English Major

I highly recommend college. Whether it's a tiny private university where a tour would take about 10 minutes (where I'm at now) or a large state school where a tour would require an excursion of an entire city (where I've been). I do not, however, recommend being an English major. Why? Well I am going to provide reasons, of course. I could never make such a bold claim without providing supporting details. (Yep, this is going to be a boring post.)

An English major spends a good portion of his or her time in college reading and rereading poems, novels and short stories often written by authors who ultimately killed themselves. It's not exactly the sunniest way to spend four years. Said English major is then required to analyze these depressing tales in long, flowery-but-not-too-flowery essays. Unfortunately, this habit of finding meaning in absolutely every word cannot be broken once outside of the classroom.

Ergo, the English major ventures into Fantasyland. No, not the fun kind where you meet witches (see image on left) and pretend to fly. The kind where everything everyone does means something. Every word, glance, action and inaction has a purpose. In the real world, however, (sane) people really don't put that much thought into everything they do. They don't pay close attention to word choice or metaphors. And it's obvious that body language was something Cosmo invented to sell magazines to insecure women. It's just difficult for someone who gets applauded by professors for pointing out "significant" passages to accept this fact.

That's another thing. We're encouraged every day to behave this way. Overanalysis is condoned with great enthusiasm. Even if certain words or character traits mean absolutely nothing, English professors practically wet themselves if you suggest that such things are actually totally crucial to the theme of the story. These well-meaning individuals are ultimately promoting a practice that can be detrimental to the English major's social and personal life.

I have a mini nervous breakdown every time someone says, "How's it going?" because I don't know how he or she (usually he) actually wants me to respond. It takes too long to say, "It's (whatever 'it' is) going well; how is it going with you?" In Fantasyland, I choose my words very carefully and squint my eyes just the right amount in order to convey a certain message. In the real world, however, no one really cares. People are not going to stay up all night analyzing every word spoken to them. That dude who greeted me in a casual manner is going to continue along his merry way no matter how I reply.

So next time an English major bumps into you (because she is probably too busy analyzing her last conversation to pay attention to where she's going), be moderately sympathetic and majorly straightforward because you never know what kind of ridiculous thoughts are swirling around in that head of hers at any given moment.

Well that's one reason to not major in English. So all of the above and the whole not being able to find a job after graduation thing. Two reasons to just say no.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Life = Not a TV Show (But it should be!)

This is something my mother has been reminding me of for probably about 15 years. I am living in a fantasy world, I hear. I need to stop having such high standards, I hear. I need to stop expecting everyone to be as funny and honest and interesting as people are on TV, I hear.

Well, what's the fun in that?

My life isn't exactly nothing like TV, though. I'd say this summer was a mixture of the first seven episodes of season one of The O.C. and the entire second season of The Office. (Oh yes, it can be both.) Instead of delving into why my summer was comparable to such shows because that's why we have journals, I am going to instead list reasons as to why life should be more like TV.

1) Everyone is clever and capable of engaging in delightful conversation.

Now the people I choose to spend my days with are all smart, hilarious folks who dish out the insults as well as they receive them. I have realized with great sadness, however, that not everyone in the real world is like this. Some people? Not funny at all. Most of them are rather boring. On Friends, no one is boring. On Gilmore Girls, everyone is colorful and interesting. Is it so bad that I want everyone in the world to be like that?

2) The perfect music always plays at just the right moments.

I know we don't all have awesome music supervisors editing meaningful songs into our lives, but I think it's something they (I don't know who "they" is) should work on. It'd be so much more convenient if the music were actually playing in the moment instead of either having to control it ourselves (which is awkward) or having to replay the moments back when actually listening to the songs.

3) Everyone dresses well, because duh, they're on TV.

I haven't complained about how people dress in what, like five minutes? I'm way overdue! Perhaps I'm still bitter because I got the door slammed in my face at Starbucks this morning by a dude wearing camouflage shorts (I could still see him) and a woman sporting an Ed Hardy top and sweats. Can't we all just pretend we're on TV all the time? I'm not saying we should all act like drama queens/kings, but if pretending a camera is around is what it takes for people to dress better, then that's what we should all do.

4) It's not that big of a deal if you're an asshole.

Think about the characters we know and love. Dr. House? Total a-hole. Dr. Cox? Major douche. All of those Friends? They insulted each other constantly. Why is it that ordinary viewers claim to love all of these awful people, yet they don't appreciate such characters in real life? When people (possibly me) make dry and crude statements in real life, they don't receive the best reception. They're just assumed to be mean. I say we need to appreciate the mean more. Plus, it makes the moments when we realize that such people really do have hearts all the more meaningful.

5) Everyone is (at least eventually) honest, all the time.

In real life, we're forced to keep up with the six or so forms of communication. On TV, most communication and confrontation happens via person to person conversation. Because it's more interesting for viewers if people declare things in a dramatic fashion, TV characters lash out, freak out and sometimes completely lose their shit (see video below). Sometimes, I think this makes them more real than actual people.

^This is actually pretty hilarious. "What's up, Quippy?! Why so silent?"

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Scattered Thoughts, Part Two: Super Scattered Edition

So the picture on the right is evidence that I was inspired by the post I wrote on Sunday. (It was taken with my Blackberry, so it's not the best quality ever.) I went out and bought shorts to try out the Alexa Chung/Rachel Bilson look. I tucked in my most whimsical blouse and added some sandals and necklaces worn as bracelets to pull the look together. The result: the perfect outfit to wear while running around and riding whales at Roxbury Memorial Park in Beverly Hills.

In other news, I discovered quite possibly the biggest threat to fashion since Crocs: scratch and sniff T-shirts. I'm not going to pretend I did not sniff each and every one, because of course I did, but can somebody please explain to me why anyone would feel compelled to wear shirts that smell like food? Isn't that what we try to avoid? Not cute, graphic tee companies. Not cute at all.

So right now Larry King Live is on my TV (this sounds much better than "I'm watching Larry King Live," right?) and the talking heads are discussing monogamy. I was super determined about a week ago to write an in-depth blog about the subject in my attempt to reach a much-needed conclusion on the subject. Due to recent realizations/excessive reflection, however, I do not think my head is in the right place to tackle such a topic at the moment. (I think this video accurately portrays what's a comin'.)

My next post will have a point, I swear!

Sunday, August 1, 2010


I've been feeling lazy about my style choices this summer, so I decided to do a little (grueling) research in order to get ideas about how to turn it up a notch. This is what I found.

(These pictures are obviously not mine.)

Let's start with Alexa Chung, who looks absolutely perfect, 24/7. A good style lesson many people could benefit from: class up those trashy shorts with a fancy, satiny blouse.

Alexis Bledel has certainly come a long way. The jacket is perfect for an LA summer, the pants could not be more whimsical and the shoes accent it all perfectly.

Oh, Chace Crawford. How I love a good charcoal/black combo on guys. I had originally found a precious photo of Penn Badgley, but then I noticed that he was (gag) wearing flip flops. Notice how they KILL his outfit completely. Just say no, fellas.

Selena Gomez has had several well-dressed days recently, but I chose this one because she looks classy (cardigan and flats) and accessible (white top and jeans). Love.

I spent way too much time scouring the interweb for pictures of Kristen Stewart not looking homeless, but emerged from this distressing task with no success. Instead, I chose her costar, Anna Kendrick, whom I have recently become obsessed with. Just look at those shoes!

Let's call it a weakness for guys in sweaters, because that's what it all comes down to in the case of the amazing Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Trust me when I say that it is quite awkward to be much better dressed than your other half. I'm so glad Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron exist to prove that it's important for both halves to look good.

We end with my personal celebrity style icon: Rachel Bilson. A loose top, cut-offs (Paige Premium Denim - I really need these shorts) and a colorful bag make this the perfect summer outfit. And if Rachel's anything like me, she's only looking down because she's admiring how cute her shoes are.

P.S. This picture makes me happier than anything in the world:

Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Ellen Page for existing. The end.