Monday, September 5, 2011

The Label Maker

We were always told in elementary school that "labeling" people and putting them into categories is bad and wrong and will get you sent to detention. "Labeling" people reflects the tendency for human beings to put things into categories in order to make the scary, chaotic world easier to understand.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's label people! But in a fun way! Here is a list of friends everybody should have, based on a fictional character:

The Drama Queen

These people are useful because if you're having any "personal problems," check them at the door because these folks will engulf you in their own melodramatic issues. Rachel Berry is the perfect example of this the drama queen, as her own obsession with achieving her goals outweighs all other problems persisting in the world, including global warming and flip flops. The best part about the dramatic types? Because they think they're the protagonists in their own MTV reality shows, they provide writer types (like myself) with ample material for their sitcom!
Requirements: self-absorbed, but endearingly determined

The Comic Relief

"Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief." - Seth Cohen
Chandler Bing and Seth Cohen are the perfect examples of people who are perhaps not the best sources of wisdom, but certainly the best sources of comic relief. They're self-deprecating, self-aware and always capable of providing the voice of reason in a way that's funny but not the least bit preachy or annoying. They can often be found mumbling indiscernible comments under their breath, so ask them to speak up if you want to hear the funny. In the words of Chandler Bing, "I'm not great with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?... Cheese?"
Requirements: quick-witted, not afraid to be honest, able to poke fun at oneself

The Scapegoat

Need to blame something on someone? Need to tell somebody bad news but don't want to do it yourself? Need to vent without fear of judgment? Then break out your handy dandy scapegoat! This person is entertaining because he/she/it is a bit slow, but also quite useful! Patrick Star is the perfect example of a scapegoat, because even though Spongebob's not a genius, he has Patrick by his side to make him appear smarter in comparison. Plus, when Spongebob is having a problem, he can tell Patrick without feeling self-conscious.
Requirements: mental capacity of a four-year-old, obedience , a chronic deer-in-the-headlights expression

The Pretentious Hipster

Everybody needs one of these in their circle to make errbody else feel shallow and inferior. This person typically likes Arcade Fire, hates Twilight and can often be confused for a homeless person. Judy Funnie of Doug is the perfect example of such a specimen. She like poetry, interpretive dance and wearing sunglasses/berets at all times. So why would you want to surround yourself with chumps like Judy Funnie? The pretentious hipsters always know where to eat (despite their typically scrawny frames), where to get a good latte and which books to read/movies to see. Real-life examples include every Journalism student at the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication and my boyfriend.
Requirements: has a blog, shops at thrift stores, says things like, "Goodwill never has anything."

The Awkward Weirdo

Feeling a little lame there, sunshine? Spend a few minutes with that awkward weirdo friend of yours. His/her general lack of social skills and failure to adhere to a basic hygiene regimen will be sure to make you feel cooler than ever in comparison. The ultimate awkward weirdo, Samuel "Screech" Powers may be more intelligent than Zack and Slater, but his obnoxious personality and creepy obsession with Lisa ultimately determined his lower-than-low social status. Because losers like Screech are usually smart, they're great advice-givers, and always entertaining to watch when they're attempting to interact with other humans.
Requirements: awkward demeanor, inability to form coherent sentences, unkempt appearance

Collect all five!