Are Holidays Supposed to be Ironic?

Ruh-roh. Time for another petulant post reeking of cynicism and liberal bias. Drivers of big trucks, there is still time to hit that 'back' button, because I am about to list some reasons as to why I am not particularly jazzed about the Fourth of July.

1) Obligatory Ironic Patriotism

I've rung up several imported patriotic T-shirts over the last few weeks, and while I always appreciate a good oxymoron, it kills me to know that Americans are willing to buy clothing from countries that treat their sweatshop workers like slaves in order to show pride for their own country. Would it kill these people to throw in a few extra dollars to support the domestic economy and not be decked out in unintentional irony on the Fourth?

2) I hate barbecues.

This isn't entirely shocking considering the whole vegetarian lifestyle thingy, but it's not just the prominence of meat (and the smell of meat, and the fact that it touches everything else on the grill) that makes me shudder. Barbecues involve cooking/eating outside (mmm, flies), the consumption of beer, the possibility of children drowning, and that daunting task of maintaining an appetite in the omnipresence of various animals being consumed and mandals being worn. I'll just summarize with my semi-sarcastic motto for this one: I'm too classy for that shit.

3) Fireworks aren't thrilling except at Disneyland.

Without the epic-sounding music and castle in the background, fireworks shows can be difficult to get through. I watch them out of obligation, in the same way I'd watch Larry King because one never knew when it'd be his last interview. But I'm always waiting for that grand finale. And it's never that grand.

4) Weird Social Pressures

Frequently asked question this weekend: "What are you doing for the Fourth?" Frequent answer: "Why does everyone keep asking me that?! #facepalm" There's a reason people tend to get depressed around the holidays. There are expectations involved. Everything is supposed to be awesome. And if you're not living with family, holidays (as in "long weekend" holidays) become awkward and kind of irrelevant. Example: My boyfriend suggested I find a "Fourth of July-themed episode of a show to watch." P.S. THERE AREN'T ANY.*

5) It's supposed to be Independence Day, dagnabbit!

I should really be all over this secular unholiday, but it can be difficult to celebrate a country that maintains prehistoric values. It's 2011 and we still have capital punishment and there's no federal marriage equality? That's ridonkulous. And that's why I'll be wearing black today.

*Except Magnum, P.I., apparently.