An Ode to Coffee

Don't worry. I'm not really going to write an ode. I did receive a 'B+' in Poetry, after all. I'm here to defend coffee against those people. You know whom I'm talking about. The haterz (yes, with a 'z') who insist, "Coffee stains your teeth," "Coffee stunts your growth," "Coffee makes you anxious," blah blah blah. Sometimes these Debbie Downers come in the form of a parent, a friend, or an outrageously pretentious boyfriend. But I certainly believe that the benefits of the most wonderful thing in existence outweigh the negative effects.

The magical substance known as coffee prevents all kinds of diseases AND improves short-term memory and reaction time. Long-term AND short-term benefits? What poison! According to this CNN article, coffee is also the beverage of choice for people of higher incomes. Why? Because coffee helps them get stuff done!

Okay, that may be my own bias showing, but speaking from my own experience, I would be way less productive as a human being if it weren't for coffee. I got started on these lovely canned iced coffees to help me write about 1984 my senior year of high school, and I never looked back. Now I don't even take credit for any work I complete. I didn't write my final paper for Shakespeare; that giant-sized vanilla iced coffee from It's a Grind did.

A waste of money, you say? I consider my coffee habit an investment. One day, I hope to be on the writing staff of a totally awesome TV series. To accomplish this, I need to write a crapload of spec scripts that I have to be awake in order to write. That's where Coffee comes in. (My mother is reading this and shaking her head.) I may be losing money (and sleep) now, but the amount of work I produce while "under the influence" makes it a worthy bargain.

Coffee may cause anxiety, but when you have a paper due the next day, perhaps a little anxiety is needed to get it done. There's a reason people procrastinate: they need the pressure as a motivation! As long as the anxiety is being directed towards a good cause, such as completing homework or exercising more efficiently, I say bring it on.

Some haterz claim that coffee sucks because it's addictive. Sure, they may cause withdrawal headaches and one can become dependent on its magical powers, but there are a lot worse addictive habits. I'd rather be a fast-talking caffeine addict than a grown-up Stephanie Tanner. A caffeine addiction is kid stuff in comparison!

So fellow coffee enthusiasts, feel better knowing that I, Random Girl Who Figured Out How to Make a Blog, approve of your lifestyle. (What a relief, right?) So what are you waiting for? There's an overpriced coffee beverage out there with your name on it. Really! Your name is actually ON it.
Too-late disclaimer: This post was written under the influence of coffee.