My roommate Amanda and I are back and better than ever with our thoughts, but this time in written form because we don't look so hot right now. We are presenting a list of goals we would like to accomplish during our fall semester that begins tomorrow. We are confident that our combined perfection will propel us to inevitable success.
"We need to survive because Aretha says we do," Amanda says. We're both taking 18 credits, we're both idiots and yet for some reason we both have two days of school per week where we have no classes. On those days, Amanda will be taking six naps (on average) instead of her usual three or four. I will be sitting in a dark room turning in internship applications.
2) Mentor our emotional roommate.
Everyone has to have a crying roommate. We handle ours by soaking leather belts in a tub and slapping them against her bare bottom. "It's supposed to be soothing," Amanda says. We also may offer her brutally honest advice that she will not take. At least we try. Emotional roommate's response? "I never thought I'd be the emotional one. You guys like to demean my artichokes."
3) Watch as much TV as possible.
While some college kids may, like, associate with their peers, we prefer to associate with an Insignia 32-inch television (and DVDs from the '90s.) We will be watching Glee, Gossip Girl, The Office (before it starts sucking without Carell) and 30 Rock. Suck it, Donatella Versace. (We're watching Rachel Zoe right now.)
4) Try to get people to accept our humor in our improv class.
We obviously think we're funny, but the world may not agree. We know this is true because we've been told this by the Taco Bell chihuahua. Also, humans. ("As far as we know they were human," Amanda says.) We are going to win their affection, admiration and constant applause/laughter by "pulling out the big guns and telling 'yo momma' jokes," according to Amanda. I say if they don't think we're funny when we are being ourselves, they can go watch Two and a Half Men and jump off a one-story building (because we're not that cruel).
5) Avoid hoes.
This includes people who we just don't like for reasons we cannot explain, as well as girls who wear disgustingly short skirts/dresses because as Amanda said two years ago, "Just because the sun is out, doesn't mean her vag should be, too."